The Inexorable Push of Time

I was reminded today  that it has been over 7 months since I have posted anything here on Senseless Ramblings.

I have had breaks in my writing before. Sometimes it’s due to the infamous “writers block.” That has not been the case over the past several months.  I have probably suffered from the exact opposite. I have felt overwhelmed with things to write about. To the point of creative paralysis.  I haven’t been able to write because the thoughts in my head won’t stay still long enough for me to focus.

I’ve wanted to revisit the topic of heroes, who they are and what they mean. There has been no lack of material on the embarrassment of the current U.S. president, the ignorant voters and a broken system that put him in office, or his ongoing, immature Twitter battles with anyone and everyone that he feels doesn’t see eye-to-eye with him. How about the beauty of nature? Camping? Children? Work? Pets? Craft beer? Hockey? The topics are endless, the words are there, it’s the mental glue to link them together that I am missing.

Today however, I had an unexpected and focused inspiration. It was heartfelt and a little melancholy all at the same the time and it made me realize that I wanted to write about time.

What was this inspiration?  It was a young father, walking down the street, hand-in-hand with his two daughters who were perhaps two and four years old. I was seated at the desk in my study, where I am right now as I write this.  My study is on the second floor of my house and it looks out over my neighborhood and the street below. I was reading the morning news and checking email and caught just a momentary glimpse of them as they rounded the corner.

My heart clutched a little.  I can remember similar days, how wonderful they were, and how long ago they seem.  In my case it was my three kids. When we moved into this neighborhood, my son was eight, and the girls were five and three. Today my son is 25, and the “girls” are 22 and 20. It is just my wife and I at home now. My son is in Los Angeles, and my girls live an hour away near their university.

I wanted to yell out to that father, “hold those hands tight. Remember the beautiful weather and the little dresses that your girls are wearing. Burn the memories from today and all others days into your mind. They will buoy your heart forever as time marches on. As good as that sounds, it isn’t really possible on a larger scale. The memory will sustain the vision that time will rob the specifics of.

Time is relentless. It is consistent.  Think about it. It is truly the most consistent thing in the world. It moves forward, never backward, and it moves at an unfaltering pace. 60 seconds makes a minute; 60 minutes makes an hour; 24 hours makes a day; and, 365 days makes a year.  It can  not be altered by the weather, or by any means that we undertake, or through the birth and passing of us as human beings. Even in the arctic and antarctic regions where there can be almost six months of perpetual darkness, time doesn’t alter its course just because it feels like one long night.

Time allows us to create goals to reach for.  It gives us the memories to look back on.  Every second of every day is an opportunity to start again.  It truly is.  The past is the past: it is said and done and nothing can change the actions that were undertaken.  But the future is open to what we want to make of it.  If I feel joy, I can choose to hold that feeling as long as possible.  If I feel anger, it is my choice to push it away to make the next bit of passing time better or to hold it and let it spoil that time.

Look into the sky as a jet passes overhead.  The small silver object that is the plane is the now; the moment.  The sky in front of the plane, where the plane is headed but has not yet gone, is the future. The contrails left behind the plane are the memory that the plane has passed, and like memories, we will remember to some degree what the contrails will look like, but they will also fade and soften as time goes on.

When I think about that father today, I realize that today is just one walk of hundreds that he will have with his children. He will undoubtedly forget the specifics of today, but the collective of all those walks will remain with him.  I have memories of the hundreds of walks I have taken with my children.  They also are a collective.  Do I recall one specific daily walk if that walk was no more or less eventful than another? No. Will my kids remember a specific walk: probably.  I remember clearly moments from my childhood that I am certain are long forgotten by my parents but as a child we focus on our parents collectively and in our own context.  As a parent I was focusing at any given time on three.  My parents were focusing on nine.

In his song, The Leader of the Band Dan Fogelberg mentions his father teaching and disciplining with what he called a “thundering velvet hand.”  Time is that hand.  It will often knock us down, cause us stress, face us with uncertainty, leave us with humiliation, but it also caresses us, holds us gently, keeps our hearts safe, and fills us up.  All at a steady, relentless pace.

Enjoy your time. It is yours. Fill it with goals for the future and memories of the past. Push love out into it, and let love wrap around it.

To my parents, siblings, wife, children, all extended family, and my friends across the years and miles: Thank you for filling the time that is my memory with joy and happiness, and helping to soften the blows of life; and, for a future that will be rich, and happy, and joyful.

Rambler

Looking back…Looking ahead!

While I started writing the Senseless Rambling blog in 2014, I feel that 2015 was the year that it really started to come together. I don’t know why. So I want to summarize highlights (life highlights, not just blog) of the year past and my hopes for the year to come.

First and most importantly: Thank you to all the people who have stopped to read a post or look at a picture. I have appreciated your likes and follows. I appreciate the reach that my small little page has had. I have had readers from 15 different countries, including Canada, Russia, India, Japan, England, and of course here at home in the United States. I have enjoyed new friendships made, even if in cyberspace.

2015 was a huge year in my life and that of my family. Many things happened, both good and bad. So before I look ahead to 2016,

Let’s take a look back…

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2015 started with a trip to New York State. My youngest was accepted to the State University of New York at Albany and we drove over to look at the campus and talk to an adviser in her program. January is not really the prime time of year to drive 10 hours across Michigan, Ontario Canada, and upstate New York, but you go when you gotta go, especially when this is your child’s #1 college choice on the list. We really found Albany to be a pretty, active, and interesting town, but after touring the university, my daughter decided it wasn’t for her. I support my kids in whatever they decide, but the dad in me would be lying if he said he 16223_10204588372383722_2140344112163685114_nwasn’t a little relieved: 10 hours is a long way from home! The side trip to New York City was well worth the adventure however. My wife had never been and I hadn’t been in 20 years. We all had a great day traipsing around Manhattan seeing the sights.

 

A couple of years ago, my son, the oldest of our kids, relocated to Los Angeles, California. In February, my wife got an opportunity to travel to LA to visit him. She had a great time and gained the valuable experience (and stress) of driving on the SoCal freeways. Due to work, I was unable to go, but she had a great visit and got to see other family as well, as California is my home state and my family all live in the greater LA area.

She returned to Michigan just in time for me to hop aboard the train and take a quick trip to Chicago to see the Detroit Red Wings battle the Chicago Black 10984040_10205075883409208_8549791197190978495_nHawks at the United Center. With the changes to the conference boundaries the prior year, the Black Hawks are no longer in the same conference as the Wings, thus they only play a couple of times a year. This has always been an epic rivalry though, and my fellow Michiganders, many of whom live in Chicago and many who traveled from Michigan presented an impressive and united front. The Wings won, which is even better, and made the sub-zero temperatures bearable. Special thanks to my nephew who lives in Chicago with his wife for A) going to the game with me, and B) for giving me a place to stay the night.

In April, my youngest turned 18 – an adult. When did this happen? I still clearly remember my little girl who made faces and made us all laugh at her comedienne antics.

Right after we celebrated the birthday, my daughter and my wife were off! 21297_10205026276131042_6966113743023924834_nSpring break! Myrtle Beach, SC. Again, I was trapped in my work world, but they had a fantastic seven days in South Carolina soaking up the sun, lying on the beach, walking the pier, going to a comedy club. I was so happy that they had a very special week together.

On the down side for late March, April, and into May was that I got sick. What I thought was a minor head cold developed into an extreme bacterial sinus infection and bronchitis. I have never been so sick in my life. I missed more work than I ever have. I lost 20 pounds and it took two rounds of antibiotic and three trips to the doctor to get it resolved. I am sure that I spent far more time sleeping than awake, but it did eventually go away. Eventually (unfortunately), I did manage to find those misplaced 20 pounds.

When you work in law enforcement you tend to work in a more reactive mode than proactive. Sure we plan for ways to avoid bad things happening, but the reality is that the world is a wild place and we spend more time in this career field reacting to the idiocies of other humans than planning for how to keep those things from happening. In May, I and three of my partners were awarded a life-saving award for just such an incident from late in the previous year. A prisoner in our city detention center attempted to hang herself. Due to proactive training and procedure, we were able to react to the situation as it occurred, cut the woman down, and save her life. This was the second time in my career that I have received this award and both were for very similar situations. I am glad that this chapter of my career is behind me – more on that later. To my partners (as they are still there) stay strong, be vigilant, look out for each other, and remember the most fundamental goal of our career: everyone goes home at the end of the shift!

Diploma in handAt the very end of May, my youngest, my “baby-bird” as I have taken to calling her, graduated high school. What pride at such an accomplishment and the great college choice she had made. She was the last of my children to go. Bittersweet. No more sporting events or choir concerts. Life sets major changes upon our heads from time-to-time and this was one. Not a bad change, just one that needs adapting to. For my daughter, a life at college, away from home. For my wife and me, we’re empty nesters. The house is very quiet. Sometimes too quiet. Sometimes gloriously quiet. As I said bittersweet, but far, far more sweet than bitter. Those kids make me so proud every day, how could it be anything else.

In July my wife and I made our annual 4th of July pilgrimage to the Upper UP 4thPeninsula. We visited with family, watched the parade, and otherwise just hung out. We have done this every year since 1999 and it is a tradition that I can’t imagine not continuing. I love Michigan’s glorious UP. So rugged and beautiful. It is, as the bumper stickers say, “God’s Country.”

Now, if you remember, I didn’t get to go to Myrtle Beach for Spring Break due to work. Neither did my older daughter, as she is already in college and her schedule did not sync with her sisters high school schedule. So in July, she and I took our own “Spring Break,” to one of my absolute most favorite places in the world – Toronto, Canada.

11666139_10207350677512109_1078765563397942095_nToronto is my New York City. I love Toronto! My wife and I spent our honeymoon 25 years ago there; I took my son there 4 years ago, and I will take my younger daughter there in another year and a half.
Toronto has so much to do and is so multi-cultural. My daughter and I went to the Toronto Zoo (they had visiting exhibit of pandas, my daughters FAVORITE animal; and yes!, they are as cute in person as they are in YouTube videos), the CN Tower, the Royal Ontario Museum, Casa Loma, the Ontario Science Center. We rode Segway’s in the PandaDistillery District, and took a walking tour of downtown Toronto’s most haunted sites. We ate in an Irish Pub where everyone except us was literally from Ireland, and the cherry on the sundae (at least for me), we toured the Hockey Hall of Amelia TorontoFame.

Toronto was a good prelude to two big events that would happen the next month. Not bad events, but big. The first, we moved my youngest daughter into her college dorm. OMG…this is real! The house is really going to be empty! Number two: Two days after moving her in, I turned 50. You can read my blog post on turning 50 here.

September passed quietly and October found us traveling again. This time just a short few hour trip to the Indiana/Kentucky border for our nieces wedding. The wedding was absolutely beautiful, as was the bride. Both the ceremony and the reception were held at a 200-year-old plantation and the setting was perfect. My brother-in-law, a chef, prepared all the food which was delicious. It was also, quite frankly, amazing as he was also the father of the bride! How some people can squeeze 30 hours out of 24 I will never know, but he can.

A quick aside, but I would be remiss if I didn’t mention it. During the reception, several hundred miles away, the Michigan State University Spartan football team had a miraculous and devastating football win over the University of Michigan Wolverines! As a Spartan fan, I was more than happy Crisp Pointwith this!

At the end of October our son came for a visit. This was the first I had seen him in a year and a half. It was a great visit and he and I enjoyed a special father/son trip up to our beloved Upper Peninsula. We mostly relaxed and enjoyed the peace and quiet, but the trip to the Crisp Point lighthouse on Lake Superior was a definite highlight. It was a perfect Fall day and the view was amazing.

Unfortunately, sad things happen too, and just a couple of days after returning to California my son called me to tell me that my older brother had passed away. I won’t go into any detail as my blog on that experience is here. To my sister-in-law, niece, and nephews, however; I hope that 2016 sees an ease to the pain of your loss and that you cherish the memories of your husband and father. The pain will lessen; the memories brighten, and rest knowing how proud he was of each and every one of you.

The rest of the year has passed pretty unremarkably. Holidays with family. Winter setting in. Girls home from college for few weeks. The highlight of the last month of the year: I retired from my job and accepted a new position with a new police agency. The new position however, won’t require me to wear a uniform, or work midnight shift. I will no longer work holidays or weekends. I will get to spend my evening and weekends at home with my beautiful and lovely wife. My interactions will be with police departments and no longer with arrestee’s. If I never have to stop a suicide again, it will be too soon.

I want to add one more thing here, and I am getting on my soap box a little. Since it’s my blog, I can do that! Please continue to support and respect your local police. We have received so much negative press in the past couple of years. The media is quick to point the finger of blame and make spontaneous accusations. They are equally slow to retract these accusations when they are proven wrong. This is sad because the media has immense power to reach out into people’s lives, and to do so without any moral or ethical compass is a disservice to the society they serve. I fear that the scrutiny of the media of late will cause an officer to hesitate when they shouldn’t and get killed. Simply because while the officer actions might be justified, they will hesitate at the thought of “how will the media portray this?” Police officers, corrections officers, fire fighters, and military are all a unique breed of people who put their lives on the line to protect others. 99.999% of those are hard-working, honest individuals. No career should be viewed through the prism of the “bad seed.” There will always be those, but they are such an insubstantial portion, and they pervade all fields of endeavor.

Let’s take a look ahead…

For 2016, I wish each and every one of you happiness and joy. I wish you time with family and friends. I wish you much love and laughter. I hope that your times of sadness will be few and short. I hope that you have people in your life that can lift you up and comfort you when needed.

I wish these same things for myself and my family. I look forward to 2016 and all it holds.

For my son who is going back to college after some time away: may you find success, happiness, and continued growth. I love you and am so very, very proud of you. Be proud of yourself and keep inspiring those around you.

For my older daughter I wish continued success at school. You are such a committed, focused, and on-target young lady. Rarely does one find a person who has such a map of their life in mind at such a young age. I love you and look forward to great things to come.

To my “baby-bird.” Wow! Have you ever excelled in your new life away at school. I know that you’re still not sure what your future holds, but it will come and you have time, so lay that worry elsewhere. I am so proud of you, of the young lady you continue to become, and of the new challenges you undertake. I love you and love watching you write new “chapters” every day.

To my most lovely! It is just you and I again, my dear. Just like in the beginning. Gregg-AnnTwenty-five years and I love you more than the day I first met you. I look forward to all that our future holds for us. New adventures and new things to see, learn, and do. I’m a crotchety old crap, but I’m your crotchety old crap!

Happy New Year, everyone. Blessings.

Rambler